Salvation so uncertain.
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Something is wrong with me. I suppose it could be called a case of 'no honor among thieves' - I never got that proverb - so I may have it wrong here as well. What I'm getting at is my tendency towards denial - making excuses for other people's bad behavior - pretending it doesn't exist or it isn't as bad as people think. I'm not sure it is authentic charity at work in that either - you know how St. Paul writes that 'charity hopes all things, believes all things', etc.. I could be more or less unconsciously protecting and defending another sinner's reputation simply because in my past I too was promiscuous and hypocritical. Obviously the hypocrite part remains active - the promiscuous part not.
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"If somebody up there likes me somebody up there cares
Deliver me from evil save me from these wicked snares." - Sting
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That said, I know how easy it is to fall into sin, even repeated mortal sin. I recall Teresa of Avila writing something on mortal sin and how surprised she was regarding how far a person can go in committing them, but a confessor contradicted her saying he was surprised that they didn't do worse. The mystery and horror of mortal sin! Perhaps it can only be realized and understood through the awful things we see and witness today - even those sins committed by priests and religious people.
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I offer my apologies to those offended by my defense of Chris Wenthe - the latest local priest to fall. Actually his crimes were more or less past him, occurring about 5 years ago, but the law caught up with him this past week. As one reader noted, "I don't know the entire story" - hence any defense or comment on the story is not mine to give. I was looking at the guy not only as another sinful human being would, but as a Catholic, trained to never say anything bad about a priest, and whose habit it is to usually look up to a priest, and I based my comments upon externals and idealized expectations. True I'm critical of priests in other instances - so yeah, suddenly being so compassionate when they sin is pretty inconsistent.
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I did the same thing with Fr. Euteneuer - at first. Last fall I did it with another local priest arrested for cruising in a public park where gay men meet for anonymous sex. Come to find out later the man had something of a gay history. Didn't matter - I still defended him, calling his crime a sin of weakness. I won't go into that here except to make this observation: Isn't it curious our double standard of excusing the sexual infidelities of heterosexual priests - as well as our 'relief' it was heterosexual - contrasted with our tendency to condemn and vilify - without mercy - the infidelities of homosexual priests? Although there are degrees of sin. But I digress.
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What is wrong with me.
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I can't believe I am as old as I am and somehow remain as naive as a kid. Arrested development I suppose - seriously. I have always - deep own - blamed myself for the times I was sexually abused as a kid. Sexualized early, I was 'out' right after high school and in a long term relationship shortly after. I was promiscuous as well - I slept around a lot. There was no real expectation of fidelity in those days. So it went. Drugs came later - then my amazing conversion.
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After I left monastic life, I eventually fell into the same pattern. I was spiritually immature and after disappointments with a few mentors who left monastic life and were found 'wanting' - I succumbed to temptation. I was worse than I had been in my first fall from grace - mainly because I had come to know the truth and I still believed - yet I chose to act out. It got to be a living hell - until the 'second' conversion. The second conversion did not mean the addictions disappeared - the spiritual battle actually intensified - but this time I was engaged, knowing I was absolutely no good, a sinner who can't be trusted - yet passionately loved by Christ. I make no excuses for myself. I'm still that sinner - loved by Christ. I continually break the Heart of the only Man who ever loved me for who I am, with all of my flaws and sins and creepiness. Therefore when I see better men than I am fall, it is very sad. Sin is sad.
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Yet truth be told, I'm no better and much worse than these fallen priests. I have no right to condemn and no right to defend these priests - much less myself. Therefore, I have to take my place with the priests who abused and sodomized and exploited vulnerable men and women. I have to take my place with their victims - because I have been there. I have to take my place with the enablers and the hypocrites who covered up their crimes - because I have been doing just that. I share their shame. There really is no honor among thieves.
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I'm sorry.
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Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
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Art: Retablo - no other information available.
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Relax, have a cigar, make yourself at home. Hell is full of high court
Judges, failed saints. We've got Cardinals, Archbishops, barristers,
Certified accountants, music critics, they're all here. You're not alone.
You're never alone, not here you're not. OK break's over.
-St. Augustine In Hell, Sting
