"I don't give a damn."
.
Some days I feel like that. I wonder why I bother to blog about the things that I do. Who appointed me to do it? No one. I feel completely alone sometimes. Especially when I read articles about bishop's like Brooklyn's retired Bishop Joseph Sullivan, or Fr. James Martin SJ praising the Bishop for his profound sensitivity to gay issues. I'm sure I would like Bishop Sullivan, I'm sure he's nice. I do like Fr. Martin SJ - and since he's involved with theater people, I totally understand his sympathy for the personal lives of homosexuals. When you are very close to individuals you arrive at a greater understanding and acceptance - ostensibly of the person, not necessarily their sin. One can try to understand the genesis of their sin and come to some conclusions without approving of it, but familiarity often breeds approval.
.
"So the people turn to follow them and drink in all of their words.'
.
Whenever I write about gay agenda and the homosexual political movement and infiltration into every level of society - especially religious sects and institutions, I am frequently dismissed as homophobic, old, a dinosaur since the gay lifestyle has been all cleaned up and presentable for general consumption, and or I'm completely ignored because I lack scholarship on the subject... I don't have a theological degree as some do from some rural Bible college or online degree mill. However, whatever my deficits, it hardly means I lack any experience, knowledge, or that I haven't studied the same sources, read the same books and studies, and so on.
.
'Yet my feet came close to stumbling...'
.
Over the years, in my struggle against sin I have studied and read practically all of the literature available - everything, and there is nothing new these days that wasn't proposed thirty or forty years ago. The difference today is that academia is saturated with the very inventive, novel research of years gone by; gay studies professors and theologians have been using the same propaganda for decades and it has been ingrained upon their students who've entered the professions, especially teaching, clergy, law, and psychology.
.
'They scoff; they speak with malice...'
.
Throughout the years, I too even tried to live unconstrained by the Church's moral teaching, trying to believe and put into practice the new theology as proposed by activists such as Fr. McNeil and Sr. Grammick, or the proof for gay unions by Boswell. I looked into groups like Dignity way back when. I tried to balance the lifestyle with authentic Catholic teaching and found many gay priests to help me do so, claiming monogamous relationships were just fine, just like marriage. Promoting pornography as better than promiscuous cruising, and so on. I read and praised people like Larry Kramer and other non-religious activists who called for the gay community to clean up their act and make themselves more respectable, and so on. I can provide 'credentials' and experience, believe me. All of that means and proves nothing to the know-it-all activists who continue to try and convince society gay is good and that God made them that way, and everyone should feel so sorry for them because they've been discriminated against and have been bullied. I can tell you right now there is no bigger bully than a gay activist demanding their so-called rights.
.
'I strove to fathom this problem... until I pierced the mysteries of God...'
.
So. Believe it or not, I know what I'm talking about. However, by some miracle of grace I was not able to continue long in compromising my faith and betraying my conscience, 'to sell my birthright for a meal', as it were. To be sure I know what the struggle entails if you want to be genuinely faithful, to be in communion with the Roman Catholic Church. I have learned from experience that as Teresa of Avila said, 'prayer cannot be coupled with self-indulgence': Likewise, one cannot engage in homosexual acts and remain in the state of grace. Similarly one cannot condone or support the gay lifestyle and agenda and remain faithful to Roman Catholic teaching. Yet I'll never say one can't be Catholic, because just claiming to be Catholic is no guarantee of salvation - no matter how traditional the liturgical pomp and circumstance.
.
'And so when my heart grew embittered...'
.
I know what it is to be discriminated against as well. It's part of the cross. Even those who one would imagine should be your friends whisper and speculate about you. It doesn't matter if you are faithful or not. The self righteous gossip and slander you. After monastic life, I tried to avoid any public work in association with Catholic groups, even renouncing an active participation in the Third Order or taking up the collection in the local parish. At times it made me angry and I blamed others for it, eventually I understood it was necessary to avoid giving scandal. I think it is human nature to blame others for our weakness, our inconsistencies, and our failures. Sometimes we lash out and 'protest too much' - but in my case, that was how I came to understand what was and what was not my responsibility. Forgoing active participation despite the protests of volunteer-do-gooders and idealistic pastors, it was necessary for me not to be involved. Sometimes one's active participation is more spiritual and therefore silent and hidden.
.
'Yet I was always in your presence...'
.
Sadly, for others who struggle to be faithful, they simply can't understand the paradox of being 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'. I'm talking about faithful Catholics with SSA, who accept the Church's teaching and face bigotry both in the pews and from active gay people. It's a double-cross. It is part of the whole cross - a penitent needs to understand that - without self pity, or seeking affirmation or praise for their conversion. If they demand special recognition they are making the same mistake as gay rights people are making.
.
'All those who abandon you will perish...'
.
Finally, the Holy Father recently said that every Catholic needs a spiritual director. God bless him. I hope he realizes I've had many whose counsels, if I followed them would land me in hell. I've had confessors I needed to beg to give me absolution despite the fact they told me I had not sinned. The Church is infiltrated.
.
+++
To be near God is my happiness...
Though I said in my alarm,
'How useless to keep my heart pure.'
Then I said:
'If I should speak like that,
I should betray the race of your sons.'
I have made God my refuge.
I will tell of your works
at the gates of Zion.
+++
+++
"Yes, I would say that the homosexual network is alive and "well" here in the U.S. - and worldwide. Queer theology has permeated many of the seminaries and chanceries. And now, homosexual "marriage" is making inroads. Gay is good, you see.Not that the American church can be blamed entirely for the advancement of the homosexual agenda; there are other factors that must be taken into consideration. But it isn't much of a stretch to say that "gay-friendly" bishops, along with "gay-friendly" priests, along with "gay-friendly" theologians, along with "gay-friendly" chancery bureaucrats, along with "gay-friendly" teachers, along with "gay-friendly" politicians, have facilitated this advancement in recent years." - Matt Abbott
.
Fresco: Ascension, Basilica di San Clemente, Rome "No ruined wall no exile" - Someday... but not at this stage in history. For me images of the ruins of old churches tell the story of what has happened to the faith in our century.
